I Choose What I Love vs. I Love What I Choose

Finally I decided to go to USC. During the last few days before April 15, I contacted several faculties at the Joint CMU-Pitt Program in Computational Biology. The responses were rather disencouraging: three of them had no funds and two did not responded at all. When Prof. Sun, the chair of USC Computational Biology Program, called me on Apr. 14th evening, saying I should not play game, I realized I cannot wait any more. I sent the acceptance letter on Apr. 15 morning, Prof. Sun replied soon and asked me why I insisted on waiting for CMU's offers. I told him my idea frankly.

I have been fascinated with supercomputing since I got in touch with computer in high school. CMU's reputation in computer architecture and high performance computation has been haunting in my mind since then. Especially, Prof. Joel R. Stiles at CMU are heading the Center for Quantitative Biological Simulation in Pittsburg Supercomputing Center. It is a long-lasting idea in my mind to model live organisms in computer and study their behavior. I should honestly admit that my understanding of biological simulation is limited, but the love for it is something that cannot be explained with logic

I should be happy that the time-consuming and tedious application is over, but I felt hurt and disappointed. I used to believe that I am among the few potentially being able to do something really wonderful in biological simulation. And all faculties I contacted consider me competitive. Finally I could not choose what I love.

Sentimentality makes no use. I pretended to be as determinant as possible, sending back paper files, asking classmates at USC to arrange room, planning for my study at USC and telling my family the news. I would like to thank uncle, sister and mama for their encouraging congratulations. If nothing else had not happened, I would have gradually recovered from the heartbroken feeling of missing CMU opportunity and leisurely enjoy Hefei's spring.

Ironically, I received three mails in a line yesterday, one from McGill and two from CMU/Pitt program, asking whether I am still interested in their program. Just imagine that: when you are pursuing a pretty proud girl, she rejects you; you first feel heart-broken and then try to forget her and gradually you decide to love another girl; but now the previous girl comes back and ask whether you still love her, and she is so lovely. That is my feeling now.

If I choose what I love, I hurt USC's heart and I will feel guilt forever; If I love what I choose, I will definitely regret to miss such a pretty CMU. I hate such choices!